Sometimes We Just Need Humor
If you have anything humorous, jokes, stories or even thoughts about cancer or living with cancer please send them to us at cancerabcs@gmail.com so we can share them with the rest of our cancer community.
Hospital Rules
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. A student nurse walked into a hospital room to find an elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet. He insisted that he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let the student wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down in the elevator the student nurse asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
Damaged Goods
Stolen directly from Nina Riggs’s memoir “The Bright Hour,” where she tells of commiserating with a friend who is also dealing with triple negative breast cancer. They imagine starting a business called Damaged Goods, which would sell a line of morbid thank-you cards:
“Thank you for the taco casserole. It worked even better than my stool softeners.”
“Thoughts and prayers are great, but Ativan and pot are better.”
“Thank you for the flowers. I hope they die before I do.”
“All your phone messages about how not knowing exactly what’s going on with me has stressed you out really helped me put things in perspective.”
“Xanax is white, Zofran is blue, steroids make me feel like throttling you.”
Taken From Actual Doctor’s Notes
1. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
6. Healthy-appearing decrepit, 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
7. The patient refused autopsy.
8. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
9. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.
10. She is numb from her toes down.
11. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
12. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
Baseball In Heaven
Two old baseball buddies with lung cancer were chatting on a park bench. Paul says, "I hope they have a baseball team in heaven." "Me too", says Jack. "Tell you what", says Paul, "If I die first, I'll give you a message about whether there is baseball in Heaven. If you die first, you can do the same for me." A year later, Paul is dead and Jack is sitting on the park bench when he hears: "Jack, it's me, Paul. I have great news! Guess what. There really is a baseball team in heaven." "Thank God", sighs Jack, "Now I can die in peace." "I'm glad you feel that way," says Paul, "because you're pitching tomorrow!
A Man Hears He Has Cancer
A man hears from his doctor that he has cancer and only has six months to live. The doctor recommends that he marry an accountant and move to the back woods. The man asks, "Will this cure my cancer?" "No," said the doctor, "but the six months will seem much longer!"
Top Ten Ways To Know You Are A Cancer Thriver
1 Your alarm clock goes off at 6 a.m. and you're glad to hear it.
2. Your mother-in-law invites you to lunch and you just say NO.
3. You're back in the family rotation to take out the garbage.
4. When you no longer have an urge to choke the person who says, "all you need to beat cancer is the right attitude."
5. When your dental floss runs out and you buy 1000 yards.
6. When you use your toothbrush to brush your teeth and not comb your hair.
7. You have a chance to buy additional life insurance but you buy a new convertible car instead.
8. Your doctor tells you to lose weight and do something about your cholesterol and you actually listen.
9. When your biggest annual celebration is again your birthday, and not the day you were diagnosed.
10. When you use your Visa card more than your hospital parking pass.
Not Feeling Too Well
A man isn't feeling well, so he goes to see his doctor. The doctor examines him, and then asks to speak with his wife. The doctor tells his wife that her husband has cancer. The wife asks "can he be cured?". The doctor replies "there's a chance we can cure him with chemotherapy, but you will need to take care of him every day for the next year - cooking all the meals, cleaning up the vomit, changing the bed pan, driving him to the hospital for daily treatments, and so on".
When the wife comes out to the waiting room, the husband asks her what the doctor said.
The wife answers, "He said that you're going to die".
What's The Difference?
What's the difference between God and a Doctor?
God doesn't think he's a Doctor!
Inner Beauty
I am a person with great inner beauty and I have the CD of my scan to prove it.
Cancer Awareness
A cancer patient was sitting in the infusion center receiving their 14th infusion. Their hair was totally gone, their toenails missing and they had lost one half their body weight.
A young, handsome and clearly very healthy man approached the patient and with a beaming smile offered a cancer awareness ribbon.
“What are you kidding me, I am pretty aware, thank you very much!”
Summer inNapa
Mastectomy hadn't made me disabled
But I felt unerstandably unstable
Had I lost my humor
Along with the tumor
No, I just "left tit" on the operating table
I'm just starting my cancer adventure and loved your jokes. Especially
the thank you cards. Thanks for putting them together.
Here's an old one, but I love it.
An elderly man has been released from the hospital to spend his final
days at home with his beloved wife. He's lying in bed when he smells the
aroma of his favorite home made cookies. Despite his frail condition, he
manages to get out of bed and make his way to the kitchen. Seeing a
plate of freshly baked cookies, he reaches out a trembling hand to get
one when his wife smacks him on the wrist with a spatula, saying "Put
that back! Those are for the funeral."
Some days if we didn't have dark humor we wouldn't have any humor at all.
— anonymous
Living with cancer is like living with your mother in law. You can't get rid of her so learn to put up with it.
—-Bob Nix (terminal stage four cancer)
